GliderCENTRAL

Dear Crabby

Posted By: TwoDog

Dear Crabby - 08/14/17 11:10 AM

DEAR CRABBY: My humans are dumb. I wantz yogies. But they jez wantz to grab me at with their big scary claws.

What dooz I do?

WIGGLY IN WASHINGTON


DEAR WIGGLY: Thanks for writing. Humans do love to grab, It's true. Training your human early is important. First thing, is to make them scared to grabz you.
Sometimes, just bite them for no reason at all. Their big paws are squishy and soft.
And save up lots of poop and pee--and pee in their big claws.

***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***

Posted By: sugarfluff

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/14/17 01:15 PM

:funny: Love it! It's too true. Thanks for the early morning laugh Two Dog :rofl2:
Posted By: Stef333

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/14/17 01:37 PM

DEAR CRABBY: I've fallen in luvz wit the glider next door, but I'm so shy! He iz so well groomed and his butt smellz so good, but I just freeze up whenever he'z around.

How do I tellz Arrow that I want to share hiz pouch...?

WINKLES IN WUV
Posted By: Hutch

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/14/17 04:34 PM

You two are hilarious!
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/14/17 06:11 PM

DEAR WINKLES: The best way to start is to get some of his food. Eet his food, and soon your butt will smell like his butt. He will like this.
When the moon shines, and your mommy time comez he will want to make babiez with you.
Also poop a lot in places where you know he likes to go. Your poopz will remind him of your smell.
This will make him happy and he will want to make babiez with you more.


***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/14/17 06:57 PM

Oh what fun! Can anyone play? I think my Ollie may have a question for Dear Crabby, I'd like to help him out with his letter.
Posted By: Hutch

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/14/17 08:57 PM

Originally Posted By: TwoDog
Your poopz will remind him of your smell.


*blink* *blink*
That's umm... so... ... ...romantic?
Posted By: Feather

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/14/17 11:28 PM

shakehead
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/15/17 12:25 PM

Yes, please send your questions to Dear Crabby :-)
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/15/17 09:28 PM

Great, thanks!
It went like this. I got off work early and decided to try catching up on some pc things. Up wakes Ollie, it's not unusual for him to wake up around 5, but normally goes back to sleep for another hour or so. He still likes to be the first one up for feeding time. So I'm on the computer (right next to the cage).

Ollie: Momz! You home momz?

Me: Yes Ollie, momz got off work early today.

Ollie: I'z hungry momz.

Me: Yes I'm sure, I'll feed you in a little bit, still too early. Hey, btw, you know that forum I post pics of you'all on? Well they have a new columnist, and advice columnist to help give advice to furbutts like you to ask a question you might want help on how to resolve it. Anyway, I notice you seem to have some issue with feeding time and was wondering if you'd like to ask a question that you'd like some help with, I'll help you write it. So would you?

Ollie: Yeeaaz pleaze!

Me: Okay, Ollie, the colomnist name is Dear Crabby, so let's begin with that.

Ollie: Hu-man joke?

Me: No Ollie, no joke, it's Dear Crabby.

Ollie: Dear Crabby, How do you get your momz to give you food earlier?

Me: Ollie, this is your question you need help with?

Ollie: Yeeaaz, it-is.

Me: We've been over this Ol, momz can't feed you until after I get home from work, there's nothing anyone can say to help with that.

Ollie: I'z like to change my question pleaze.

Me: Okay, go on.

Ollie: Dear Crabby, I live with two girls and they like to take food from each other and me. I now chaze'em away, but I just want all the da green beans to myself. How can I keep the girls from eating my green beans?

Thank you,
Hungry Behind Bars

Me: shakehead Okay Ollie, but you really have to share.

Ollie: Can momz give me food now?

Me: Yes, Ollie.

Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/17/17 02:50 PM

DEAR HUNGRY: Green beanz are yummy! And green beanz are good for you. Boy-gliders shouldz give all their green beanz to girl gliders!
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/17/17 06:37 PM

Ollie: cry

Me: Dear Crabby, Thank you, Hungry was too upset to say thank you for reply.

Ollie, you are so dramatic shakehead
Posted By: Ladymagyver

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/17/17 07:05 PM

rofl :lol:

This is fun!!! I wish I could mimic my girls so well!!!
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/18/17 10:34 AM

DEAR CRABBY: My little zister start an advice column on the webz. But she is mean and givz zelfish advise on the sharing of yummiez. Doez she wantz Daddy-Tree to know who it waz that atez hiz Barry Mainlow recordz?

ARIA IN YOURZ POUCH
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/18/17 10:41 AM

DEAR ARIA: ITz my turn onz da computer. GO AWAY!
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/18/17 10:47 AM

Guys you are logged in as Daddy-Tree! Log off now!

Arrow
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/18/17 12:29 PM

:roflmao2: dying here!!!!
Posted By: Stef333

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/18/17 02:53 PM

This is the danger of small mammals with opposable thumbs. You just can't keep them off the internet. wink
Posted By: Feather

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/19/17 03:21 AM

Hide your credit and debit cards, I caught Tucker trying to activate one of mine a few years ago.

Attached picture Tucker and card.jpg
Posted By: Ladymagyver

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/19/17 07:13 AM

Originally Posted By: Feather
Hide your credit and debit cards, I caught Tucker trying to activate one of mine a few years ago.

:jump2: What a little man he was!
Didn't he flirt with the girls at Joann's? I'm sure he tried to help pick out fleece too!
Posted By: Feather

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/20/17 03:17 AM

I think he flirted with everyone! Plus he got us great deals at Joann Fabrics. Like fleece for 2.99 a yard, which was supposed to be an online only thing, but the email they sent me didn't say that, plus the guy gave us an additional 20% off of everything that day. We spent about 160.00 and had a savings of 6 to 700.00.
Posted By: Stef333

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/22/17 01:40 PM

Now there's a glider earning his keep! I wonder if I can train Yoda to flirt for discounts... wink
Posted By: Hutch

Re: Dear Crabby - 08/22/17 03:27 PM

Originally Posted By: Stef333
Now there's a glider earning his keep! I wonder if I can train Yoda to flirt for discounts... wink
:rofl2:
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/02/17 09:11 PM

Dear Crabby, my momz do not know I'z on here, so I haz to typez fastez. I amz still very angriez at you for anzwer on giving my green beanz to my girl glider mates. I'z do not like this anzwer, so please send better, new anzwer, so I amz not be angriez anymore.

Thank you,
Still Hungry Behind Bars
Posted By: Ladymagyver

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/02/17 10:27 PM

Dearw Cwabby,

My MA sayz we don' get no mo corwn after dis batch... I not happy. But MA says Dottie might share better if'n we don' eat it no mo...

I hear her talkn' 'bout a bigger cage too... She ain' got no bidniss doin' dat!!!!

Dottie say she gonna move inta' Ma's draw-eer's drawer if'n she do!!! Dat fine wit me!!! I jes' move into Ma's bed pillow... she don' know I dun foun' dat hole where the stuffins' came out...

Pleas help me! Too much change!!! I gonna die!!!

Scared and hungry!
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/03/17 01:52 PM

DEAR HUNGRY: I'z sorry for bad answer. I'z sorry youz are mad. I gotz a better answer! When your humanz come to give youz the yumies, you sneaks out and pee on allz day green beanz! Then your sisterz think they are bad...and don't likez green beanz anymore. Then youz get all youz want!




***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/03/17 01:59 PM

DEAR SCARED AND HUNGRY: Humanz are dumb. You need to let yourz mommy-tree know dat youz are mad. Da bezt way iz to poop and pee on dem--right down dee backs of der neck. It'z good spot--makes dem dance and make funny noizes!





***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/03/17 08:49 PM

Originally Posted By: TwoDog
DEAR HUNGRY: I'z sorry for bad answer. I'z sorry youz are mad. I gotz a better answer! When your humanz come to give youz the yumies, you sneaks out and pee on allz day green beanz! Then your sisterz think they are bad...and don't likez green beanz anymore. Then youz get all youz want!


Dear Crabby, Thaaanx you!!!!!!!!! I'z not angriez now, Gotz a go, momz is coming, hurry, hurry back to cage!

Hungry Behind Bars------ruuunz!



***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
Posted By: Ladymagyver

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/04/17 09:19 AM

Originally Posted By: TwoDog
DEAR SCARED AND HUNGRY: Humanz are dumb. You need to let yourz mommy-tree know dat youz are mad. Da bezt way iz to poop and pee on dem--right down dee backs of der neck. It'z good spot--makes dem dance and make funny noizes!





***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***




Dearw Cwabby,

Ha! Are kiddin' me?? I do Dat all da time!!! She don like it one bit... Das Ok, I got dis... I poo-ed on her bed and she sat in it!!! Day got brown sheets!!!! Bwaa ha ha!!! Bes' part she tink Dottie did it!!!!
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/05/17 07:18 AM

DEAR CRABBY: Athena, You are too young to play on the webz. All your advice iz about poop. I'm tellin' Daddy-Tree that you are on da webz.

ARIA IN YOURZ POUCH
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/05/17 07:49 PM

Dear Crabby,

Please tellz AIYP she iz wrongz, you givez advice about pee too.

Anonymouz
Posted By: Stef333

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/06/17 01:28 PM

LOLOL :D
Posted By: Stef333

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/13/17 04:06 PM

DEAR CRABBY: Dere's sweet honey on da mug! I wants the honey, but my sister keeps swatting my nose and duzn't wants to share. Whats shud I do...?

-NEED MY FIX


https://youtu.be/hWFvb0Dp6ag
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/14/17 12:26 AM

Dear Crabby,

My brother started peeing on all the green beanz, now they smellz bad. My sizter an I do not getz to eat the green beanz, because of the smellz. Then my brother eats all of them! Ewwwe, gross! What can my sizter an me do?

Missing My Green Beanz
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/14/17 03:41 PM

Daddy-Tree, thiz iz Arrow.
I know you are buzy, but hopez you are reading this!
Zomeone broke in. They stolez all the purple medizen!
I haz final exams next week...need mor purple medizen!
And yogies...
Posted By: TwoDog

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/28/17 09:58 AM

DEAR ARROW: Yes, I stole all your purple medicine. It's tragically unjust that you are the only one who gets to be smart. Daddy-Tree says he's being careful, but this is clearly just another case of MALE dominance. (The practice of which ends now!)
Now that I have consumed ALL the purple medicine I am smarter than YOU.
Now...please let me continue with my online advice column in peace, or you will end up like ARIA. (Ask me if I am serious...go ahead.)
Also...I will now be taking over the password for the ipod.
LOVE ATHENA
Posted By: Ladymagyver

Re: Dear Crabby - 09/29/17 01:17 PM

Dear Cwabby,

Ma's got uz a new cage... But we can't have it yet... It's bigger!!! But I like dee old cage!

MA keeps talking 'bout a brudder... Wat is a brudder??? We might be gettin a new brudder. Is he gonna be in da new cage??? By hisself?!?? He be sad dat way... frown I don' want him to be by hisself... Don' know what Dottie will tink of a new Brudder. I tink I wanna ' nudder fweind(not a boyfwiend- Silly smile ), not a brudder... i don' know wat I want... I do like the new cage, but... I am confuzed...


Mom:" Fiona, it will be just fine ! We should finish the cage this weekend! Then you guys can move in!!! Dad and I are still talking about a new brud- brother!"

Fiona " ooohhh got caught.... But Ma, what's a brudder?????"

Mom: It's bedtime, you're tired, and Dottie needs you to snuggle with... G'nite, sleep tight... "

Fiona: " Yaawwnn... OK Ma... g'nite!!!"
Psssttt Dear Cwabby, help me pweeese!!!!
Posted By: Stef333

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/24/17 01:38 PM

DEAR CRABBY:

I likes kleen - specially in my mouth. I try to use Mommy-tree's toofbrush, but she don't likes to share. She won't lets me chew on the soapy kitchen brush neither.

How can I gets my mouth kleen?

-SUDSY SMILE
Posted By: KarenE

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/24/17 02:43 PM

Dear Sudsy Smile,
Tell Mommy to buy you a toothbrush of your very own. Tell her it isn't nice to tell you Christmas will be here soon either shakehead You need a Spooky Halloween Toothbrush
:jump2:
Posted By: Hutch

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/25/17 08:38 PM

Deer Cwabby:

R furless-two-leg-slave iz gone too much. Uz roy-all-tee not getting nuff time see da realm & eat r proper taxes in yoggies. Wez don't get to pee on da furless-two-leg-slave nuff either & worry 'e might git stolen.

'E says iz bad week & tired, so we let 'em sleepz a short nap while wez play. Then wez call & call & call & call & call, but 'e no kom. Not be'n good furless-two-leg-slave, iz he?

Next night, 'e sez 'e e'en mo sleepy 'cuz wez kept 'em up. Howz wez keep 'em up if 'e no playz wit us? Wuz we should do? Youz tinks mebbe we call louder 'e kom?

- Slaveless in You-rope (Arthur)

Pee Ez: Gwynny sez I need ta lern ta type. Youz un-da-stand, rite?
Posted By: Feather

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/25/17 11:00 PM

shakehead :roflmao2:
Posted By: Stef333

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/26/17 05:51 PM

DEAR SLAVELESS:

Have you tried biting? Two-legs needs training, and bites are the best way. Flying face hug with a bites on the nose will get his attention. He be ready to play in no time!

-CRABBY
Posted By: Ladymagyver

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/26/17 10:20 PM

:funny: :roflmao: :rofl2: :splash: :jump2: rofl :hit: :lol: :fall: :roflmao2:
Posted By: Hutch

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/27/17 09:02 PM

Deer Cwabby:

Iz tried ta face hug as your sayed, but da furless-two-legged-slave kept stoppin’ me. ‘e alzo gave Merlin one of mi yoggies az he was blokkin me.

I dun like dis plan. I like m’yoggies. Has your nudder ting I can do? Mebbe one tat I keep m’yoggies?

Tanks
- Still Slaveless in You-rope (Arthur)




Dearest Crabby,

I apologize for Arthur’s poor communication skills. I am afraid if it doesn’t involve treats, food, or sleep, he does not put much effort in to it. I have asked Merlin to try & teach him the courtly ways, alas, he is still upset at the pineapple piece Arthur stole from him the other night. I reminded him our servent provided him a replacement, but he still feels slighted.

I could use some advice too. My servent just hasn’t been present enough. Oh, he makes sure his minimum of duties are handled adaquetly, but I have been left to entertain myself & preen my own fur too much. As he has not seen fit to find us a second servent to take up his slack, I do not find this situation tolerable. I have tried to voice my objections, but he acts as if he doesn’t understand.

How do you think I can properly explain his failure to interact an acceptable amount without the repercussions that his royal pain-in-the… never mind, a lady should not speak that way. I would welcome the advice of one... oh, no, he’s coming back down & he believes we promised to leave his distracting-box alone (but we had our fingers crossed behind our backs; Merlin’s idea). I must go, now!

- Lonely At the Top
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/28/17 12:47 AM

:funny: :haha: Guessing Authur is the "male" version equivalent to "My Fair Lady"! (If you're not familiar with that classic movie, please look up in IMDB).
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/28/17 02:59 AM

Dear Crabby,

momzy thinks shez so smart hahaha shez figurd out thatz wez getz out of ze cage and on momzys coputer so shez locking it up at waketime so wez can't getz on it but momzy makes big mistakes shez lefts the coputer on whenz she reapearz from beyond za room we'ves timed it so knowz when shez goes away beyond za room again and reapearz hahaha justs wants to lets you knows that. hahaha we'ves found deeze :pointlaugh: too momzy :roflmao2: momzys always :yak: shakehead

Crabby Fan Club
Posted By: Hutch

Re: Dear Crabby - 10/28/17 07:16 AM

Originally Posted By: Terry
:funny: :haha: Guessing Authur is the "male" version equivalent to "My Fair Lady"! (If you're not familiar with that classic movie, please look up in IMDB).
I’ve watched tons of what would probably be considered classic movies & television. fair lady is hilarious, & yes, good comparison:)
Posted By: Terry

Re: Dear Crabby - 12/12/17 01:26 AM

Here we go again shakehead

So my Ollie boy asked me if I could help him with another letter to Dear Crabby. He says it's because I have shut them off the PC, but I don't know I fully trust them anyway.

Me: Okay Olllie, what is it you wanted to ask Dear Crabby?

Ollie: Momzy, I needz helps with something imporintent!

Me: Well Ollie, you kind of have to tell me what exactly it is, okay?

Ollie: Dear Crabby,
I'z not happy with the amounts of food givens to us, Skadoosh says same.

Me: Ollie, I'm offering you the correct amount of food you two should have.

Ollie: Iz not enuf, we used to has more!

Me: Ollie, that was for 3 gliders before, there are 2 of you now, so you're getting what 2 gliders should get.

Ollie: Neverminds momzy, I'z not want to write Dear Crabbys anymore.

Me: Are you sure? Okay then, I have to go, I have some things to do.

Ollie: Hey momzy?

Me: Yes

Ollie: Canz you pleeze leaves the coputer open?

Me: shakehead
Posted By: Feather

Re: Dear Crabby - 12/12/17 11:31 PM

:rofl2:
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