Posted By: Anonymous
Love - 09/10/02 01:10 AM
Let me start by saying that I am not Phil. My name is Tracy and I am Phil's wife. For some reason I have never registered here, I have alawys just sat back and followed along with Phil. As I sit here my grief is raw and my pain is unbearable. Sam has just died in Phil's hand. As everyone here knows both Sam and Mary had MBD due to a lack of sufficent calcium in their diet. Sam had lost a lot of weight and it was just too much for his little body to handle. He lost his appetite over the weekend and no matter what we offered or tried he just would not eat. Today things took a turn for the worse and he threw up and started having seizures again. We have called, e-mailed and visited every person we could think of for help. There is so very little known, everyone was so kind and tried to do all they could but it was not meant to be. As I sit here I keep thinking Did he know how much he meant to me? Did he know how very much he was loved? I am sure he was frightened and in pain but did he realize his was in the hands of someone who felt that pain with him?
Sam was so tiny, so perfect and so innocent. He did not deserve this. I know that life can be harsh and cruel. I know that little babies are born into this world just to die, I work in a industry that provides for premature babies every day and I know that sometimes bad things happen to the most innocent of all God's creatures. I just don't understand why. My pain is nothing next to what he went through. I would gladly have suffered for him if I could. The absolute worse part is that I was not with him when he passed. I new something was wrong, bad wrong. Phil wanted to try feeding him or at least work to get some liquids in him and I could not bear to watch. I took the cowards way out and went out into the back yard to pull myself together. I told myself that I had had a stressful day and that I would come inside in a few minutes and be able to face what we needed to try to do. Phil met me out there with a look of such pain and regret I will never forget. My son was helping him at the time and for once he was absolutely silent. I knew immediately what was wrong. I feel so guilty for not being there at the end. I selfishly tried to ease my own pain and was not with him when he needed my love and support the most. It will be a long time before I can come to terms with and accept that.
The only bright side is that Mary seems to be responding to treatment well. Her appetite is up and she has a little more energy than she did a few days ago. All our love and attention will be bent towards her recovery now.
This may not be the right place to post this but I want to tell everyone to remember to show the people and the animals in your life just how much you care every chance you get. You can never love too much. You can never show it enough. It can all be over so fast and you think you have time to tell them again but all of a sudden you don't. Do not miss a single opportunity to show how much you care. Pat your dog on the head, throw him a ball, cuddle with your glider, tell your kids how proud of them you are. You may not get another chance. Love is the most profound emotion of all, a baby giraffe will die without it's mother's love. Are any of us really any different? Love can pick you up when you are down, make a sunny day a little brighter. It can ease the most broken hearts, I know. Phil has done everything he can to ease mine. He is taking this hard as well and I find some comfort in knowing that I am not going through this alone. So many of my day to day friends just will not understand. They don't understand that Sam was not just a pet. He was love itself wrapped up in a furry package. He loved me without question, he never complained about the things I did, the books I read, or the music I listened to with him. He accepted me despite all my faults and trusted me to take care of him. I feel like I have failed him so badly. He was so innocent and small, he could not take care of himself. That was my responsibility.
I'm going to call my grandmother now. I need to tell her how much I love her. I don't ever want to look back at another relationship and wonder if someone knew how much they meant to me. Tell everyone in your life how much you care. Hug your children and tell your parents you appreciate all they have done for you. Tell your husband or your wife they are the light of your life. If it comes from the heart you will never regret it. Let Sam be a lesson to everyone that while love alone is not enough to hold you to this life, it can ease the journey. It can't heal every ill, but it doesn't care, it never gives up till the end. Sam taught me how to be gentle and quite and earn trust and devotion, he taught me that size means nothing compared to what is in your heart. I will miss him until the day I too pass away but hopefully after some time I will remember him as he was before, not at the end. Scampering up my arm, pawing through the pony tail I always keep my hair in. Snuggling up in my pocket or next to Mary.
Finally thanks to everyone who replied to Phil's post when we first found out what was going wrong. Your support and advice was and is truly appreciated.
Tracy Redwine
Sam was so tiny, so perfect and so innocent. He did not deserve this. I know that life can be harsh and cruel. I know that little babies are born into this world just to die, I work in a industry that provides for premature babies every day and I know that sometimes bad things happen to the most innocent of all God's creatures. I just don't understand why. My pain is nothing next to what he went through. I would gladly have suffered for him if I could. The absolute worse part is that I was not with him when he passed. I new something was wrong, bad wrong. Phil wanted to try feeding him or at least work to get some liquids in him and I could not bear to watch. I took the cowards way out and went out into the back yard to pull myself together. I told myself that I had had a stressful day and that I would come inside in a few minutes and be able to face what we needed to try to do. Phil met me out there with a look of such pain and regret I will never forget. My son was helping him at the time and for once he was absolutely silent. I knew immediately what was wrong. I feel so guilty for not being there at the end. I selfishly tried to ease my own pain and was not with him when he needed my love and support the most. It will be a long time before I can come to terms with and accept that.
The only bright side is that Mary seems to be responding to treatment well. Her appetite is up and she has a little more energy than she did a few days ago. All our love and attention will be bent towards her recovery now.
This may not be the right place to post this but I want to tell everyone to remember to show the people and the animals in your life just how much you care every chance you get. You can never love too much. You can never show it enough. It can all be over so fast and you think you have time to tell them again but all of a sudden you don't. Do not miss a single opportunity to show how much you care. Pat your dog on the head, throw him a ball, cuddle with your glider, tell your kids how proud of them you are. You may not get another chance. Love is the most profound emotion of all, a baby giraffe will die without it's mother's love. Are any of us really any different? Love can pick you up when you are down, make a sunny day a little brighter. It can ease the most broken hearts, I know. Phil has done everything he can to ease mine. He is taking this hard as well and I find some comfort in knowing that I am not going through this alone. So many of my day to day friends just will not understand. They don't understand that Sam was not just a pet. He was love itself wrapped up in a furry package. He loved me without question, he never complained about the things I did, the books I read, or the music I listened to with him. He accepted me despite all my faults and trusted me to take care of him. I feel like I have failed him so badly. He was so innocent and small, he could not take care of himself. That was my responsibility.
I'm going to call my grandmother now. I need to tell her how much I love her. I don't ever want to look back at another relationship and wonder if someone knew how much they meant to me. Tell everyone in your life how much you care. Hug your children and tell your parents you appreciate all they have done for you. Tell your husband or your wife they are the light of your life. If it comes from the heart you will never regret it. Let Sam be a lesson to everyone that while love alone is not enough to hold you to this life, it can ease the journey. It can't heal every ill, but it doesn't care, it never gives up till the end. Sam taught me how to be gentle and quite and earn trust and devotion, he taught me that size means nothing compared to what is in your heart. I will miss him until the day I too pass away but hopefully after some time I will remember him as he was before, not at the end. Scampering up my arm, pawing through the pony tail I always keep my hair in. Snuggling up in my pocket or next to Mary.
Finally thanks to everyone who replied to Phil's post when we first found out what was going wrong. Your support and advice was and is truly appreciated.
Tracy Redwine
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